What is the truth of experience?
For the past few weeks I’ve been working on fictionalising parts of my life, all in an attempt to write an autofiction piece for my Master’s dissertation. But, I’m torn between my nonfiction discipline and the fear that I might appear dishonest making up some facts of real events. Then I’m reminded that auto fiction doesn’t propose dishonesty, it speaks of the truth of one’s experience which still runs true within the text.
Why not just write a memoir based story you might ask? Well, I contemplated this but realised that autofiction allows the play of fabrication, and in turn this will help me write about complicated themes - guilt, desire and expectation. Desire has always been a hard emotion to write, maybe because of the cultural barriers around it or maybe my own personal connections with it have been fractious. I’ve battled with this triad of realities (guilt, desire and expectation) and working through it in my writing this way whether through metaphor or an alter ego has allowed much needed distance.
Recently, I returned to reading Annie Ernaux’s ‘Simple Passion’ a book that Ernaux refuses to call autofiction, though it is based on her own experiences during a love affair in her youth. I read an essay by Lauren Elkin in The Paris Review about this same book and something she said that really struck me. Ernaux writes so effortlessly and without the usual discomfort or stereotypical mannerisms when writing about desire. Elkin says “ She [Ernaux] is simply, radically, writing about desire as though she is its agent, not as its object. Ernaux writes with straightforwardness and honesty; she doesn’t justify or explain herself.”
It is this sentiment that made me realise that I need to re-read the book and my hope is that I can in some small way emulate her writing style in my dissertation!
One thing I have realised this week is that as much as my emotional side stops me from writing sometimes, its the very thing that allows me to write the way I do - so I’m keen to embrace my shortcomings as a writer. Allowing these difficult themes to lead the way into the story.
This weekend I am off to stay with one of my best friends in the Lakes and then a drive back to London to see my parents. I hope the sun is shining and words for writing dance in my head during the long drives ahead. And I hope they do for you too.
Have a beautiful week.
